久留木玲|生活总是如此艰辛吗，还是只有童年才如此

 

阿尔弗雷德说“幸运的人一生都被童年治愈；不幸的人一生都在治愈童年。” 

Psychologist Alfred Adler said, Unfortunate people are healing their childhood all their lives, and lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives.

 

 

Unfortunate people have been healing their childhood all their lives. How do people who are cured by childhood feel?

Psychologist Alfred Adler said, Unfortunate people are healing their childhood all their lives, and lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives. Our Zhihu received such a question: How do people who are cured in childhood feel?

There are very few answers, only ten. Self-confidence, optimism, kindness, and the ability to love can derive outstanding qualities such as bravery, pro-social, self-esteem, tolerance, responsibility, and self-motivated as an adult.

 

summed up is Leo Tolstoy’s famous line: Happy people and families are similar, but unfortunate people have their own misfortunes.

 

What is the experience of healing childhood?

• Why do I often feel insecure, no one loves me, no one understands me?
• Why don’t you be in pairs, and I am always alone?
• Why do I feel that I am never worthy of being loved, and I never dare to think of a better future?
• Why do I always feel inferior and always envy others?
• Why do I always treat others cautiously, don't know how to refuse, and try to please?

 

When they were young, they didn’t get the attention and care of their parents. When they grow up, most of them will take the trouble to "Look for a lover", "Lover constantly", "Frequently determine that the other person is love" "" and other ways to make up for this need.

 

And once they enter a marriage relationship, they who are severely insecure may begin to ask the other party to unconditionally accept themselves, tolerate themselves or even give up the other party's interests to complete themselves. Once you don't feel the object attaches great importance to you, the object does not meet the requirements of "love" in your heart, it may cause intense relationship conflict. This is a key factor in the breakdown of many relationships.

 "If you don't return it, it will be transferred. If you don't want to solve your fear, guilt and anger towards your parents, you will transfer it to your spouse and children.

If a child is always forced to lie about his thoughts and feelings, then it is almost impossible for him to develop strong self-confidence. Guilt makes him doubt whether people will believe him. Grow up In the future, the feeling of being suspicious still exists, so they will deliberately avoid expressing their opinions and do not show any emotions.”

——Susan Fouard "Native Family" 

 

The most terrifying thing is the intergenerational transmission and compensation psychology. What problems will occur when parents who lack love raise their children?

 

1. Intergenerational transmission of the family model

 

Children learn from the nurturing of interpersonal relationship processing and interaction models, intimacy models, marriage models, ways of educating children, etc. Wait, this is the intergenerational transmission phenomenon of the family model. According to clinical observations, parents’ educational methods and husband and wife relationship are the most common phenomena transmitted through generations.

 

I wasParents or other caregivers use punishments, accusations, denials, beatings and other methods to treat them. After they grow up, there is a high probability that they will adopt the same approach to their children. The few of them who have suffered a lot may change their cognition, perceive the relationship between their behavior patterns and negative childhood experiences, learn and heal themselves, so as to avoid imposing the harm they have suffered on the next generation.

 

A child who grew up in a family full of conflicts. Families established in adulthood are generally full of contradictions; children who are raised by parents who do not love may choose to marry late or not because of fear of marriage when they become adults, or they may stay in unharmonious marriages for a long time. Life, the probability of divorce is higher.

 

And children who grow up in a warm, harmonious and intimate family atmosphere will have a high probability of family happiness and career success, and cultivate children with good interpersonal relationships and happiness.

 

2. Compensation psychology for oneself and the next generation

The term "compensation" was proposed by Adler. When individuals cannot achieve their goals due to their own physical or psychological defects, they should be replaced by other methods to compensate for these defects.

 

Adler believes that the motivation of a person's psychological source is the inner desire to control. When it cannot be achieved due to physical and mental defects, it will be transformed into a sense of inferiority, and thus actively seek compensation. Inferiority is the source of compensation. A large number of unfulfilled desires in childhood may become the driving force of crazy pursuits when they are suppressed in adulthood.

 

Parents with "compensatory psychology" often force their children to grow up according to their own requirements regardless of their children's own interests. For example, parents impose their own life ideals on their children and deprive them of their decisions. The right to own development direction.

 

Similarly, because their parents do not treat themselves so well, and they choose to overspoil and indulge their children, it is not conducive to the healthy growth of the children. Excessive indulgence and indulgence will make children have no goals, motivation, sense of responsibility, and lack of independence.

 

The compensation method that causes more harm to the individual is called negative compensation. For example, using life is unsatisfactory, using alcohol to paralyze oneself. At the same time, beware of overcompensation.

 

You have tasted the warmth and coldness of the world in childhood, so you should slowly remove your hard and ruthless defenses and treat your children with a warm heart.

 

 

We can find it back in adulthood like this

 

1, accept ourselves

figure out what is missing in our childhood, don’t blindly think that it’s the source that we are unhappy as an adult Caused by childhood trauma or absence. Avoid letting yourself sink indefinitely and make up for the rest of your life.

2. Happiness learning method

Have you ever tried to indulge in reading or can’t hear others yelling at all when writing? This is the flow experience, which can achieve the ultimate happiness. Ciksonmihai proposed flow, that is, the individual is completely immersed in the experience itself, and behavior and awareness are integrated.

 

3, happy work method

Hamlet said that there is no good or bad thing, it just depends on how you look at it. The workplace should be a place where we can feel positive emotions, get rid of prejudice and narrow cognition, regard work as a privilege and sense of mission, and focus on things related to life meaning and happiness to improveA sense of accomplishment and happiness. Do what you love and get paid instead of treating it as a responsibility and punishment.

 

4. Managing happy intimacy

When people look for love in adulthood, they actually relive the warmth of childhood and make up for their childhood shortcomings. Adjust interpersonal relationships, clear boundaries, manage emotional expression, and defend your rights.

 

Francis Bacon said that intimacy can double our happiness and halve our pain. Sharing life experiences, thoughts and feelings with people who love and understand love can increase the meaning of life, soothe pain, and gain growth and healing.

 

A friend shared with me: I love being coquettish when I am with him. He often asks me why I love being coquettish. It doesn't seem to be the case when I haven't started dating before. But he also liked the way we get along. He said that I made him feel "needed". I don’t know why. I want to be a weak person in front of him. In fact, I especially enjoy that love, which is different from my parents. No one has ever treated me like this, nor did my parents treat me like this. My childhood regrets were finally made up.

Reference

1, Taylor Ben-Shahar, Ben-Shahar, Wang Bing, et al. The method of happiness: Harvard University’s most popular happiness course [M ]. CITIC Publishing House, 2013.

 

标签：love,people,children,一生,their,they,童年,治愈,childhood
来源： https://www.cnblogs.com/chucklu/p/16663885.html